The High is in the Ordinary

"The high is in the ordinary."

I was once what Erving Goffman called an "action seeker." I loved to be in bars because they were spaces where the action was happening.

Even working in Times Square for so many years, I stayed there by-in-large because I liked the constant stimulus. I needed my life to be constant motion in order for me to feel a sense of pride and purpose.

I really didn't have any purpose in doing that, though. I just had motion. Motion and more motion and more motion. That was what kept me drinking.

I loved grinding until 4:00 a.m. I loved the vagabonds asking me for money while I smoked cigarettes outside of O'Lunney's on 45th street.

I definitely gave at least two blowjobs in public in my after-work shenanigans. I was always in some sort of flappy lipped battle of wits with some other drunk. Things were always chaotic. I said good night to taxi drivers sometimes at 7:00 a.m. when I stumbled out of their back seats.

When I stopped drinking, all of that was gone. For once, I had to learn to fall in love with the ordinary.

I had to renegotiate who I was, and find value in the ordinary day-to-day.

My friend Andy really helped.

He was the one who told me that my life was constant motion (unrelated to my drinking,) and sent me a book called Loyalty to Your Soul.

I didn't read the book to get sober. I read it just because I admired Andy, and I wanted to read everything he had read. The timing couldn't have been better, however, because a book about unresolved issues disturbing one's peace was exactly what I needed to read two months into sobriety.

It even had this great Jimmy Breslin quote inside:

"When you stop drinking, you have to deal with the marvelous personality that got you drinking in the first place."

The book talked about how unless you resolve what's under the surface, your compulsive behaviors likely will continue. It was the first book that explained weight loss to me in a way that also tied being overweight to unresolved issues.

And yet, this was not a weight loss book, or a "stop drinking" book.

It was a book about life being for learning, and spiritual growth.

It was that book that helped me stop drinking, along with many other things.

Actually, I had a great conversation this past week on my podcast about this very thing. My guest was Bobby Cirillo, who runs an online community for people in recovery offering alternatives to the American model of the anonymous groups. He also has a podcast called The Alcoholics Anonymous Deprogramming Podcast.

Bobby was impressed that I never went to meetings, and that I didn't need to be "deprogrammed." We got to talking about recovery from alcohol, and the idea of "making your own program."

I told him on the phone when we first spoke- I stopped drinking because I was tired of it.

But I don't believe in programs. For anything. A set of rules inevitably always fails.

I believe in learning.

I read a series of sobriety books and participated in online communities, but the one thing I refused to do was let my sobriety define me. Even now, I don't quite fit into this whole sober community on Instagram because unlike a lot of people in that community, I don't believe there's anything wrong with me.

I'm not fighting a demon.

I have simply learned two things:

1. My life is better without drinking. No behavior that makes me sad and sick is worth it.

2. I have fallen in love with the ordinary day-to-day.

That's what you have to do. Fall in love with life. Fall in love with each day, watching as more and more things happen for you. Watch your relationships improve. Watch your body become more attractive. Watch your happiness flourish and your sleep get more regular. Sit and remember sunsets. Enjoy the taste of iced tea.

I'll tell you- not drinking, like everything in life, is not hard.

Dealing with your fucking self is hard. That's why we do any compulsive behavior.

Overeating? Binge drinking? Excessive masturbation? It's all stuff that helps you not deal with you.

The ticket to stopping this shit is to fall in love with your life without those things.

The high is in the ordinary.

The high is in a life that's easy, with friendships and relationships that are meaningful.

The high is enjoying all of your meals. Remembering all of your mornings. Lying in bed and night and enjoying soft sheets.

The high is in watching your clarity come into focus.

The high is in not feeling a constant barrage of anxiety inducing thoughts about everything, all the time.

The high is in not being high.

The high is in self-improvement.

The high is in uncovering things that make you upset, and then dealing with that shit, rather than just putting it off.

The high is in the ordinary, hum drum, Tuesday afternoon.

The high is not where the action is. It's where it isn't.

That's all I got for today.

I hope you all are having a great week.

Stay beautiful,

Andee