Comparison is the Thief of Joy
A big thing a lot of my clients struggle with (and people struggle with in general) is comparing themselves and their individual journeys to the journeys of others.
I have to admit, I have been this way. I was this way for years.
If you knew me a decade ago, every time someone I knew would achieve some sort of "win," I would feel this little tinge of anger inside.
The anger would usually be followed by a "well, that fucker probably grew up with money. They don't know how hard I worked just to get out of that deadbeat town in Northeast Pennsylvania. They don't know how difficult it was when you don't have a single relative that ever left there. They don't know blah blah blah blah blah blah blah."
How ugly is that?
Not only was my behavior ugly, but my life was ugly.
I was waking up at 3:00 p.m. with a yeasty mouth, trying to get my pounding head together so I could swallow an acidic Starbucks (which I'd feel in my esophagus for three hours) before sweating profusely on the train no matter the temperature on my way to my awful job.
I was never really angry about people I knew winning. I was angry because I was not living the life I loved. I was living a life I created, that I had full control over the entire time.
Needless to say, it's a decade later, and my instances of comparison are few and far between. They are not non-existent, though.
I have come to realize that now is where the juice is. The goal is not to structure your life to achieve a result someday, but rather, for every day to be a day that you'd say "you know what, that was great. I'd love to do that again."
I succeed at that probably 99% of my days.
Even on days where I'm at my side job at the bar, I always try to look at how that job is making my life better. (And it is... I've met so many great people in just three short months of working there part-time.)
Then, there's that 1% of my time where I fall into the comparison trap...
I'll tell you my most recent story about comparison.
It started maybe two weeks ago.
I've been sort of on the outs with a friend of mine for a few weeks for things much more complicated than this one solitary issue.
Basically, we care deeply about one another, but in the post-covid world, we are having trouble navigating where we fit in one another's lives. They want to go one way, and I want to go another, so it's causing tension.
To add to that, they are in the bad habit of comparing themselves to everyone, so sometimes when I have a big win, that triggers them. (Kind of like I used to be ten years ago... I know how it is.)
I usually just let it roll off my back.
But recently, one weekend for me was particularly stressful. One of our regulars at the bar I work at, who is an obscene drunk who barely knows his own name, got together with another regular and they thought it would be a great idea to invite these randos in off the street.
One of the randos declared how he just got out of prison after (IDK how many years) for attempted murder.
Is that true? Probably not. People just mouth off all kinds of bullshit in bars.
But all four of them just started yelling and screaming and acting ... insane.
So, there I was with only another tiny female co-worker as my backup, turning on the lights, using my de-escalation techniques to try to get all of them (who were, at this point, see-sawing from yelling out loud to yelling at one another) to pay and stumble out into the street so I could lock the door and ensure my continued safety.
I succeeded.
Cut to a few days later, I was talking to my aforementioned friend about something related to my business and they threw a subtle slap at me.
I guess I was still reeling from the weekend, but the slap did not roll off my back.
Then two days later, it came up like some projectile vomit, and what came with it? My unresolved issues about money stemming from 25 years ago.
And I just started IN about how hard it was for me to listen to them talk from their enormous position of privilege when I'm working seven days a week then they're unsupportive of me and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.
It was ugly, and it did not go over well. And honestly, it was all about me!
I felt the ugliness in me, bringing up this old fucking shit that didn't matter any longer.
We're still not OK.
Cut to the FOURTH OF JULY WEEKEND...
I was sitting outside on my parents' deck with my stepfather, listening to Classic Vinyl's Top 400 songs voted on by listeners.
I love Classic Vinyl. That's probably stemming from when I was younger and my stepfather and I would sit outside and listen to albums. That's how I started loving Crosby Stills and Nash and The Allman Brothers Band. I have lyrics from Carry On by CSNY tattooed on my back shoulder.
I remember that even though we had a lot of chaos in our lives, that was one thing that always was calm and pleasant.
We hadn't sat out there and listened to music for a few years. My stepfather and I used to be very close, and for the last five years, we've drifted apart.
I'd been better since getting sober about coming back to Pennsylvania and spending time with my parents. I'm so very aware of how fast time is passing.
It was such a nice evening on the Fourth, and I kept telling myself to “be here now.”
It was simple, joyful, and peaceful. As the sky grew darker, fireworks started to go off.
There's a housing project behind my parents' house, and I guess their whole damn community came together to put on a hell of a display because my stepfather and I got to experience a professional-looking fireworks show as we listened to the final ten songs.
A Day in the Life, Kashmir, All Along the Watchtower, Sympathy for the Devil, Layla….
I thought to myself about how I will never get the sort of unconditional love I get from my family from anyone else again, and how blessed I am to still have them be with me.
For everything we've ever experienced that may not have been ideal, I was truly fortunate to have had such a beautiful Fourth of July.
COMPARISON IS THE THIEF OF JOY...
I started this email telling you a story unrelated to the Fourth of July about comparison, and naturally, as with most things in our lives, everything ties together.
I woke up early the morning of July 5th to do my social media posts for my latest podcast episode, and to prepare for my 10:30 meeting.
When I opened Instagram, I was greeted with a post from my aforementioned friend of a landscape of complete awe and beauty overlooking a city (probably in preparation for fireworks,) reeking of affluence and very different from the deck at my parents’ house with the overgrown woods to the front and a housing project toward the back.
Immediately I felt this lack. This "I wish I could be there." "I wish I could have that."
But then, I stopped myself.
Because I've fallen into that trap before. I've fallen into the trap of believing that because another place is more aesthetically beautiful, that my experience there will be more beautiful.
I've chased the serenity of places with a big sky (something you don't get to see in the Northeast,) only to end up with chaotic people binge drinking Busch Light, purposefully excluding me in conversation.
I've chased the majesty of California sunsets, only to be greeted with hours of traffic and my ex-boyfriend bitching about the price of everything.
I've chased the "Roadside America" vibe of West Texas, only to be treated disrespectfully by people uncomfortable around a global city resident.
And sure, I've had beautiful experiences in many places as well, but what I've learned is, for every place there is, and every element of beauty, either natural or man-made, the real feeling that makes one whole is the feeling that comes from love.
The love of yourself and the people around you really is the bread and butter.
Nobody has more than you.
If you have love, and you can love your every single day, you're winning. There is nothing for you to compare yourself to. Nobody has more.
Comparison is the thief of joy.
Comparison of your life, your body, your circumstances- it's useless to do it.
Your life and your experiences are the greatest gifts.
How can I compare my life with the life of anyone?
Maybe I do have wackadoodle experiences like the one at the bar on that one weekend, but for it, I have a great story to tell in my email following a holiday weekend... Meanwhile, maybe someone with a huge, beautiful house in the Hamptons sat home bored.
Be here now.
Enjoy now.
Your life and what is in it are unique and nothing like anyone else on the planet has. Love it. Write about it. Tell your stories to other people about it
If you’re loving your every day, you're doing it right.
Comparison is useless.
