The Thing Nobody Told You

“First there is a mountain. Then there is no mountain. Then there is.”
-Donovan

Yesterday, I had a conversation with Roger Martin who writes Helpful Questions Change Lives for an episode of my podcast. In it, he mentioned the book Somebody Should Have Told Us! by Jack Pransky, which got its name, from all of the clients Jack worked with who, once finally seeing the secret to everything, said“Somebody should have told us!”

It was a repeated line.

I’ve heard this as a coach, also. “Why didn’t anyone TELL ME THAT!?”

The secret is: Your thoughts create your entire reality.

And if you’re inclined to argue with me, unfortunately, you still don’t get it. And you’re not ready to.

I didn’t get it. For years. Until that fateful moment in 2018….

I hate retelling the same story. I feel that if I’ve told a story once, that should be sufficient. I also don’t love living in the past or hanging on to a past event for the sake of digging it the fuck back up and milking the drama of it. I’m content to let things go.

However, it occurred to me that outside of the people who know me well, I have a number of new subscribers who might not know about the moment when I finally “saw it.”

That moment happened on a cold January night in 2018, when my ex-boyfriend left me at an airport in the middle of the night with no flight home, blocked my phone number, went home, and went to bed.

I could throw in other details, too, like how I spent an hour of the day cleaning his bathroom, or how we made love and I may still have been harboring some fluids. All of those details I still remember, but the truth of the matter is, he’s not a bad guy, he didn’t do a bad thing, and that moment gave me the greatest gift of my entire life: the ability to see myself.

We had a reactive relationship filled with chasing the highs of play. We loved to drink. We fought a lot. We lived our lives in this “binge/restrict” way where we worked hard to play harder… Lots of restricting joy and then happiness bingeing on it.

Alcohol was fueling every experience. I can’t speak for him but I had a serious alcohol problem, which I didn’t want to look at. It was just one high high followed by a lowwwwww low.

“I’m so happy!”
”I want to be dead.”

(Speaking for myself, again.)

And then, the night of the “airport” incident, a fight ensued that probably could have been heard in Kentucky (we were in a neighboring state,) and … well, I told you how it ended.

At the airport, I spent the first few hours being a victim, talking on the phone about how horrible he was to my friends Mario and JoAnna, both of whom were still awake. I was crying, drunk, smoking a million cigarettes.

I managed to get a morning flight on Skiplagged, which was still hours away.

When I could finally get into the post-TSA part of the airport, I immediately felt the urge to vomit, cry more, and … I guess… get breakfast.

I went to the airport bar I was familiar with and, of all things, ordered a beer.

“No alcohol until 10 on Sundays,” they said… or something. Probably best.

I ordered a Diet Coke (I had a soda addiction at the time,) and the bartender forgot it. That just added to the “victim consciousness” of nobody loves me, nobody cares about me, everybody forgets me…

However, my moment of awakening happened at the airport gate. I was waiting to board the flight I ended up securing, and a well-intentioned woman who must have noticed I looked like hell asked me “Are you OK?”

…and I screamed at her. Angrily screamed.

“YEAH! I’M FINE!”

…and it was like for a moment, my eyes got just a glimpse of second sight, I breathed air for the first time in decades, and I realized “Oh my God. I’ve created all of this.”

I never realized that before that moment… The answer… to all of my problems… was inside. The creator, of all of my problems…. was… me.

I. did. it.

I went home, quit smoking, and lost 52 pounds.

People joke and/or get angry saying things like “Oh, like it’s so easy.”

Well… Yes, it was. But they don’t know the step that was the hard part. The hard part was when my friend Christine invited me to join something called the Whole Life Challenge. She prefaced with “I know this isn’t something you usually do, but I think this would be good for you…”

It was in a text, and I was about to respond “No, it’s OK. I’m fine,” but then I remembered “I am creating my reality. My previous strategy has created this. How can I think differently?”

So, I said “Yes, I’ll do it,” and with that, I was introduced to the healing power of community.

This was a snowball effect, which didn’t have an ending. Losing weight, quitting smoking, sobriety, career changes, six marathons… All of those are things you see of me in manifestation, but every. single. thing. happened. in. my. thoughts. first.

As I got deeper down the spiritual rabbit hole, I even began to see things that aren’t so easily explained by logic, like “if you change your inner world, your family, friends, colleagues, etc will change, on their own, without you actively doing anything.”

I had a spiritual mentor teach me years later that you can’t attract something you don’t match the frequency of.

For example… Remember that bar I’m working at currently on the weekends?

We lost two bartenders in the last week, both of whom I’d say didn’t match my frequency. Who replaced one? A fantastic sober guy with great energy.

That’s not a coincidence.

You could say it is, and come up with a thousand reasons why it is, but it isn’t.

When I studied Tibetan Buddhism, we learned about karma and emptiness.

Ever have a job where everyone is conniving and out to get you, and then you change jobs and it’s the same old people acting the same old way?

Or you find a relationship and it’s (whatever way,) and then you get into a new one and it’s like the same dude with a different name?

You had a divorce because your wife cheated and now you think your next one is cheating…

It’s you.

This is the secret to everything.

And … when people see it, really see it, there’s no unseeing it.

I don’t know what causes some to see it sooner than others, or where the desire is for that. I don’t know why some people are ready, and others aren’t… But I don’t believe people need life coaches forever.

I actually don’t believe they need them at all, unless you want life to feel better. The peace that comes from someone showing you the inside, without having to be left at an airport or some other various trauma, is remarkable.

On my path, I’ve had many coaches hold mirrors for me in ways that showed me things I had no idea were in there, and finding them allowed me to change the only thing that changed my entire reality: my thoughts.

The experience you’re having is the experience.

I quoted Donovan because Jack Pransky did in Somebody Should Have Told Us!

I know the song well… I love it. I also love the 20-some-odd-minute improvised instrumental jam session the Allman Brothers Band did with it as inspiration. (I loved the latter, first.)

He used the lyric to talk about a woman, Lisa, who didn’t believe she could climb a mountain, and the psychological states she went through while doing it. First, there is a mountain, then there is no mountain, then there is.

Meaning, that her experience changed many times, even though nothing external had.

This is a lesson distance running taught me well, right down to that I create the experience I have in my thoughts and only my thoughts. The denser my thoughts, the harder the run.

Some days, I can barely squeeze out 3 miles (today.)

Some days, I can run 17 while attending an hour an a half zoom in the middle of it (last Thursday.) Yes, camera on.

Your thoughts create your reality, and while what happened may not be your fault, everything now is your responsibility. Unless you’re willing to take a look, nothing changes.

Some people live 75 years. Others live one year 75 times.

I’m writing this to be of service but also to let you know that I help people with this thing for a living. I have a ton of knowledge and lived experience, and if you want to know what that looks like, go here, read, and fill out the form:

https://www.getthefuckoff.com/coaching

I’m not trying to create a false sense of urgency but I raise my rates every January 1 because… I get way better at what I do every year. And this year is no exception. So… if anything resonated… it’s just something to keep in mind. ❤️